Am i the only crazy person who will listen to a song over and over? It doesn’t have to just be the lyrics, it could be the beat or the mood of the song… i find myself listening to a song on repeat. I wish it was a happy one but it’s not. It brings back the fighting my family endured today. It bring’s back the fact that I’m lonely and wish to have someone I can go to to tell anything and everything.
People say love hurts and you can’t get away from it. That’s not nearly true. Loneliness hurts. Envy hurts. People mix those up. I suppose those who are in a shitty relationship can say it hurts but honestly, they can just as easily walk away. I just want to be close to someone. To see couples who hold hands and do things together, laugh, enjoy each other; i want that. I want to have those butterflies again. I want to be able to have nerves kick in because I’m about to hang out with someone.
There’s this picture I see everywhere that says “Someone is (or will be) lucky to have you.” Other’s have said “God has a plan for everyone.” I’m tired of all these quotes. What screwed up past life did I have or what shitty ass thing did i do to get this crappy karma? It’s not that complicated. 1 person. There’s billions of people in the world. In my location, there are just shy of 3 MILLION people, all within a half hour circle around me. Yet I can’t meet a decent guy? How in hell is that possible!
My recently favorite picture goes like this.I feel as ignored as : a white crayon, the first piece of bread, internet explorer, and terms of agreement. TRUTH.
Sure I’m afraid of putting myself out there again. The moment I have to trust another person will likely be one of the hardest days of my life because of my past history. But the option to give someone that trust isn’t there.
I really can’t picture anyone having a crush on me. I can’t picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep. I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them or even just smiled at them. I can’t picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we’re talking. I mean like… Why would they even do that? I’m just me. Nothing extraordinary or special.
Music is my friend right now. It’s my best friend when no one else is around. It speaks to me like I wish a physical person would. Back to listening to this song over and over for the rest of the night….