Second Month and Wanting to Quit

So today was the second day of month two doing Insanity Max 30. I’m very proud of myself for finishing the first month. Most of the time I’ll start a workout program and get bored after two weeks but this one is constantly changing and challenging. Plus, I feel can see and (I think) feel the difference because it has you write down the time in which you first stop.

Now if any of you have done or even heard of insanity, you’ll know exactly why it’s called that. You feel insane for attempting to do exercise after exercise after exercise. But boy, let me tell you, when you get past that 30 second exercise and onto the next one, you feel an amazing sense of accomplishment. You can then later look back and see all the progress you’ve made and feel even more amazing!

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Today, I made it fairly far considering it is the second month and designed to be extremely difficult. I even decided that today was the day I’d give blood since it’s been the minimum 56 days since I last gave. So you’d think I’d be having a great day.

Since I moved up north here, I don’t have my mom or brother to be honest with me. There is no one to tell me “you look like you’re gaining weight.” And at the same time there’s no one to tell me “You look like you’re losing weight.” A couple days ago, i turned to grandma and said “I feel like I’m losing weight… I think I can see it with mirrors…” Her lovely reply? “You lost weight?” So then I decided to start and think about it more. Was I crazy? Am I losing weight or just crazy?

Yes, I could ask my coworkers but no, it wouldn’t help. None of them are seemingly small or at all in shape. They’re busy parents that are happy with how they are and I’m the young dog who makes time. I can say it’s actually really hard to work with them because they’re always calling me “skinny minny” or making jokes when I’m eating a granola bar and not an ice cream bar like they are. So do they mean I’m losing weight, probably not. They just mean I’m smaller than them so it makes my brain go nuts.

I want to be in shape. I want to be happy with wearing shorts out in public and not have the feelings sitting in the back of my brain. I’d love to have someone here to be honest with me. Someone to tell me yes, you’re losing weight or yes, you’re starting to get more toned. Or hell, even be blunt and say no, you’re not losing weight, stop eating like shit!

Mostly, I’d love motivation or a buddy. I had this friend back home I was helping train. When I moved up here, we’d snap each other yelling at the other to work out and not skip. We’d say good job, you’re still keeping up with it, even though we weren’t there to do it together. That died out and now there’s no motivation except what I can muster to get out of bed each morning. I suppose the good part is that I’m doing my workout before work so as to not baby out and say I’m tired after work.

The reason today went downhill and I began to think link this is because of Fitbit. Not my watch but instead the scale I bought today. I was so excited to buy it because it had a BMI built in. Last time I had one of those done was in high school and my ratings sucked. I was all excited to try it for the first time so i could see the low percentage of body fat i had since starting this workout. Instead it did the reverse. I’m the heaviest weight I’ve ever been now at 161 and my BMI read 29.5%. Yes, I have curves i get that. Yes i weighed myself at 4 in the afternoon but that shouldn’t make me gain five pounds!

For now, i’m just trying to tell myself that it’s the time i weighed myself and due to the fact that i have built a lot more muscle since starting Insanity. It’s the only motivation and hope I have… I hope i can continue to train and finish this program. It’ll be one of the first i’ve completely finished on my own. Plus, i need to keep training if i want to make it through the September Memorial Stair climb. Right now, at this moment, I just feel like giving up on this workout…

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