Relationships and all their joy… that I don’t have…

I always knew I’d end up posting about relationships… but this isn’t about one I have. Rather, it’s about one I wish to someday have. You know, I honestly can’t remember the last time I was in a relationship. The last guy was such an ass hole, I’d rather not remember him. The worst part about wanting a relationship is that I’m scared to.

Every single relationship I’ve ever been in, the guy has cheated on me. Two different times, they were with my friends. Since the last one, I consider myself screwed up. Now hear me out on this one. I’m not saying they won and made me never want to be in a relationship… I can’t tell you how many times a day i’ll see couples or posts on Facebook and long for that love and caring for another person. But my problem… it’s hard to explain. Say I start to like a guy, as soon as he flirts back more, i’m ok. Once he invites me out, and not even under a real date, just a hang out, I back away. I tell myself I’m not sure why I do this, but in realty I know…I don’t allow myself to get close anymore.

I know afraid of getting hurt again. Or they’ll see my flaws and laugh/run. I don’t want to be that damaged girl. Everyone says that the right guy won’t laugh at what we’re embarrassed by. He won’t see them as flaws. But how do we put ourselves out there? How do we trust that getting hurt again won’t completely break us. I don’t want to be the one who always says I’ll be the old loving neighbor that has 14 cats.

I dream of cuddling close to ‘him’ when it’s cold, nighttime, or one of us is upset. Those random gifts we get each other. Seeing little details about them that no one else notices. Doing little random adventures together like one day deciding to go camping or on a day vacation. I want someone I can trust to tell things to without them judging or asking questions like how I avoid telling people I have a brother. Let’s be like high schoolers were we play hide n seek in a store or play 20 questions. I don’t dream of the typical dates, let’s do weird ones like paint balling or even go on a run together!

I’m weird. I know and understand this, but I can’t sit here and imagine I’ll always be alone. There has to be someone out there…For now, I’ll lay here in bed, watch my Netflix with my faithful stuffed animal….

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